Making Friends

This is a topic that has been showing up among many different friends over the past few weeks, and I thought I'd write up a post reflecting on it. The topic is: making friends.

I realised something about making friends a long time ago, while in high school. actually. It is this: our friends do not have to be people with whom we have much in common. I had a fantastic group of friends in high school. We are all still friends today, over 12 years later. Some of us had a lot in common: we went to grade school together, we were in band, choir, or drama in high school, or we had other classes together. Some of us had absolutely nothing in common other than a mutual friend. I have one great friend who became a friend solely because I sat next to him in freshman year biology and we had to dissect a fetal pig together. Later on in my life, I began making friends with people at my young single adult congregation in college. By no means an all-inclusive list, here's just a snapshot of the types of people I befriended: Tom, a PhD candidate in theoretical physics; Brady, a roommate who was business entrepreneurship major who owed (and still has) dozens of bicycles and frequently went on wild trips to participate in extreme sports; Noah, a guy who crashed on my couch (and then my bed) for several months before Brady moved away and Noah and I got an apartment together; Dan, a 3D animation guy who collected video game systems and frequently made fun of my eclectic taste in movies and music; Rachel, a PhD candidate in molecular and cellular biology and former Arizona high school volleyball star (she ended up marrying Dan); Tiffany, an artist from Utah who lived in a crazily-painted house with a bunch of other girls; Laurie, an environmental engineer who introduced me to rugby. None of these people have much in common other than the fact that they are all Latter-day Saints and we all went to church together. But I got to know each of them for different reasons, we became friends, and we are still friends today.

Now that I have been married for over five years, I've come to realise something else about making friends. It is that married couples don't have to limit their friends to other couples. Additionally, these couples don't have to have a bunch of things in common. Gretch and I have several couple friends now, but we also have friends who are single. Many of our couple friends have children, but many are also childless like us. Most of these couples have one or two things in common with me or my wife, but very few have things in common with both of us. But the important thing is that that is 100% absolutely okay! I feel like my life has been blessed a thousand fold because my friends are so very different from one another and from me. I am pretty certain I'd go absolutely batty if my only friends were educators and graphic designers! (Not that I don't love my educator and designer friends dearly; I do! I'm just glad that I have a broad spectrum of people in my life.)

When we were first married, we found ourselves in the same congregation as Gretchen's parents for about ten months or so. I don't think that we had very many friends outside those we had been friends with before getting married. It didn't help that we were asked to serve in the nursery, which means that we were with four other adults and a dozen or so small children between the ages of 18 months and 3 years. Because we were in the nursery for two of the three hours of church each week, and the first hour of church is spent in a worship service that doesn't allow for much opportunity to socialise, we didn't really get a chance to meet new people. But we had our old friends so we didn't think much of it. Then the boundaries of our ward changed and we were in a new congregation where we knew very few people. We were asked to serve in the Primary, teaching a Sunday School class comprised of 10- and 11-year-olds. Again, not much opportunity to socialise, but somehow we got to know other people. We didn't hang out with very many of them, though, and I recall feeling like we didn't have many friends anymore. (Many of our pre-marriage friends had gotten married or graduated and moved away.) Additionally, we were both working two jobs and Gretchen was also in school, so we didn't have much free time, other than Saturdays, which were mostly spent with each other unwinding from a busy week, and Sunday evenings, which were reserved for dinner with Gretchen's family.

After about a year, we moved across town and about a half-mile east, which put us in a different ward again, which was actually the ward we had been in when we got married. As we were planning on moving, we learned that nearly everyone in the Mahomet Ward was upset with us for leaving! We apparently had more friendly faces among us than we thought! I imagine that if we had ever just invited friends over (with their children!), we would have found we had far more friends than we thought. So when we got to the Champaign Ward, we I made it a point to make new friends. I was asked to serve as the Webelos Den Leader, which meant that for the first time in two and a half years, I was not spending two-thirds of my Sunday church services with children. Gretchen was called into the Relief Society presidency last August, which suddenly put her right in the middle of getting to know all of the women in the church. Before that, she was in the Primary, teaching the three-year-olds. I was eventually asked to serve in the Primary, too, teaching the oldest children (again), but we had already started making friends and continued to do so.

Three things have really helped: First, we had several other childless couples who made plans to get together for Family Home Evening once a month. While our numbers have ebbed and flowed over the years, this has been a wonderful group and a fantastic support! Some of our closest couple friendships have come about through this group. Second, I have made a point of helping nearly every single new family with their move-ins. (I think I've missed less than five over the years.) So I've been able to get to know new people as soon as they arrive and then we have made a point of welcoming them at church and inviting them to activities. Third, whenever we invite friends to do something, we are specific. Instead of just saying, "Hey, we should get together and do something sometime!" we now say, "Hey, would you like to get together for Family Home Evening? What are your plans for this Monday? What about next week?" or we might say, "Hey, I heard you are a Dominion fan! How about planning a Dominion game night? What are you doing next Friday?" We have never once had someone turn us down flat. Some have said that they are really busy with school/work, but we find a time that works for all of us.

I'm not saying that I have a foolproof method for making friends, because I don't. There are still many nights and weekends that Gretch and I spend with each other because we haven't made any specific plans with anyone. And I know that I am considerably more outgoing than Gretchen, and I have often been the one to take the initiative, but Gretchen has done it, too. But I can say that I have learned for myself the truth of this statement: If you never ask, the answer will always be no. Asking someone to do something with you is always a risk. but it is a risk worth taking!